AND THE SEA WILL SWALLOW YOU WHOLE

my heart is as heavy as my schoolbag and the guilt from yet-to-be-forged test papers. these days slipping into my depression is as easy as sleeping into my problems. look on the bright side they say, so i do. my australian friend sleeps six hours on a regular basis but here in singapore i sleep four hours. (three in the morning and one in lectures because my eyes are weighed down by the weariness bore from days of juggling a test every other day. my stomach churns like the sea deranged, slosh slosh slosh and i have to press my lips together lest oceans pour out of my eyes and rivers up my parched throat.) dreaming is a foreign concept but when i do i see quiet, hear the way the sky is blue and the grass, green, and i can feel the sweetness in the air and taste the joy in my heart.

when i come to, my pillow is damp.

i plunge headfirst into schoolwork.

WHAT I LEARNT FROM SCHOOL

I AM BEING EXECUTED for letting my frittered, frantic brain take a break when there are two tests next week. when there is no homework you must assign more for yourself because here in college you are an adult who has only one a choice to work to the bone hard or prioritise your mental health be lazy.

MAY IS MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS month and the school prattles about trivializing/generalising mental health patients such as myself when they don’t know what it’s like to be us how to help your friend if she’s depressed and anxious! they end it off with a sale of overpriced and unethical cute socks and half assed online stolen beautiful calligraphy notebooks. i’m extremely thrilled to know how i have no place in society heartened that we do so much to help the mentally ill, even if autism is a joke, triggers are h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s, and r*t*rded is a part of everyone’s lexicon.

more thrilled, that the school play this year is titled triggered and i’m an overly sensitiive social justice warrior/snowflake/feminazi when it screams far right republican ideal!

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the world is ablaze: it scorches my skin