my heart is as heavy as my schoolbag and the guilt from yet-to-be-forged test papers. these days slipping into my depression is as easy as sleeping into my problems. look on the bright side they say, so i do. my australian friend sleeps six hours on a regular basis but here in singapore i sleep four hours. (three in the morning and one in lectures because my eyes are weighed down by the weariness bore from days of juggling a test every other day. my stomach churns like the sea deranged, slosh slosh slosh and i have to press my lips together lest oceans pour out of my eyes and rivers up my parched throat.) dreaming is a foreign concept but when i do i see quiet, hear the way the sky is blue and the grass, green, and i can feel the sweetness in the air and taste the joy in my heart.
when i come to, my pillow is damp.
i plunge headfirst into schoolwork.
home / warmth / raw / uncensored / familiarity / muted / soft / sighs / wisps / curl / steady / darkness / solitude / silence / forgetting / ignorance / bliss / o v e r /
if this is what you want: i’ll kiss you as many times as you need
yesterday i loved you for the way your body grooved to the beat, lithe and steady and so goddamn alluring. your body cut the daintiest silhouettes against the bright lights and i wanted more of the way your hips pushed forward, gaze burning on me like a fire licking up my body, primal but intimate. i lusted for your attention, dreamed of being your close binary star so i could chase after your lips.
today i love you for the way your eyes crinkle when they’re tired and the way you look at everything like they mean the world. when you cradle a book in your arm my heart skips a beat because i never knew that this is what it means to love. love is embracing a book for the tune it hums and not for the name of its composer nor the suit it wears. when your fingers curl quietly around the plants you grow in your garden, the seedlings in my heart are sprouting. it’s enough watching you love, even if i’m not the object of your affection. i’m content with loving a soul as beautiful as yours.
tomorrow i will still love you. i don’t know exactly how i will do that, but i do know that my heart will always burst when i watch the way your lips quirk or the way your voice is a purr when you mumble through the haze of sleep. you are lighthouses beaming in the dark when the sea whirls up its pointed pines and i know that i will dock safely when i follow your trail. you do you, babe, and remember: the world is yours. i love you.
listen to the whirl of the wind: it’s kissing my cheek tonight
inspo: there is a mars for every venus
title: my heart is full again
it is of utmost importance that you rest as much as you work, drones the official clad in grey as she talks about how all work and no play makes jack a dull boy and jill a dull girl.
there are muted snores puffing from the hall of students, bags clutched tightly against chests. beside me, the top class drag their pens across chemistry practicals like weary oxes ploughing up and down the fields. my eye twitches as i remember how i haven’t opened my writing blog since forever (at least a monday has passed and the law of mondays still apply). there are so many instances when the depression spills up above my throat into my mouth spilling onto worktables like wave breaking on the seabed, but i have no time to spare when i am juggling a proposal, three
individual group projects, three tutorials and two lectures reading, all due yesterday. the number beside Write grows larger everyday, stuffed full with empty words (writing reflects your soul, and that’s true because i am just a hollow shell full of Pretentious Poetry that means absolutely nothing to my future in the tiny red dot of Science Field Careers. )
these days i feel like my skin is stretching across my flesh like a snake bursting out of its skin. every morsel of food tastes a little more bitter than the last and the calculator in my head is a lottery machine from how fast the numbers whizz. the irony weighs heavy on my tongue when i remember that i am time starved and running round the clock, one lap two laps three laps GO FASTER GO FASTER here in singapore we do 30 hours of work in 24.
i don’t recognize the man in the mirror. no amount of asking will change her ways my ways our ways. if you wanna make the world a Better Place, then look at yourself, and crawl to bed.
to wake up at 3am later to finish math.
drink and drown the pain away: slip your tongue in my mouth and lick away all my worries