happy new year, with lots of love from pointilisms. i have never been one to believe in changing yourself come the slide of a hand to twelve midnight (more of that in january’s pieces), but i believe in the power of starting clean.
thank you for having been with me in 2017-silent and active readers alike. you give me one more reason to write, and for that i am grateful. i started pointilisms last year as a way to keep the writing mojo alive even after going to college. college is undeniably the most draining and painful milestone of my life, but i am always glad that i have a safe space in pointilisms. the freedom to post my first drafts-raw, fresh and unapologetically me is a privilege that i have come to embrace this past year. even as the year ahead is packed full of anxiety and tests (for me), i hope that i can draw the same comfort from my readers and pointilisms. it was an honor writing for all of you, and here’s to a 2018 when we write our souls down on writing blogs.
if i were to choose a word to sum up pointilisms in 2017, it would have been unapologetic. may we always have the bravery to speak up for what we believe in.
i was young and foolish and your impish smile drew me in. it was 2012 then.
today i am still your fan and will be tomorrow and next week and forever. dear jonghyun, you meant the world to me. you still mean the world to me. that grin never changed: it was unwavering and brave and the only thing i have ever known. at every concert you cry and tell us that you love us. we love you too, jjong. we love you and we’re so proud of you. you were a pillar of strength: those words of comfort, the familliar yell of fighting, the way you spread your arms out like you wanted to hold us in your embrace. you were a voice for the voiceless: the first idol that introduced me to lgbtq rights. you were the first icon of diversity i knew and i am thankful that you were always the one who fought for what you believed in.
i struggle with depression. your passing today has hit me hard: made me realize that you are something that i took for granted. i think about the what ifs and if i had to pick one, it’d be what if you had gotten the support you needed? i know that depression has always been a taboo topic-that sadness that is more than just sadness. everyone parades depression in their mental health project but no one ever understands us. i’m sorry you had to feel this way: that your dying was the best way to stop the pain. it hurts, but i don’t blame you. jonghyun, you are loved and we are so so so so proud of you. for many of us, you pulled us out of this slump. i hope your journey now is a smooth one and that you’re happier. rest well, jjong. you carry the world on those sturdy shoulders everyday and i wish i could have told you that you are beautiful. that you are loved. that you mean something. that there is no darkness without light. i love you, angel. nothing’s going to hurt you now.
i beg of all my readers to be sensitive. to stop tossing depression like it means sadness. to stop seeing depression as a joke. to stop using triggered for giggles. to always lend your ear to someone else. please.
ive been crying something crazy and the shinee vids are rlly killing me now. pls, dont let ur loved ones be driven to suicide. hold their hand. tell them they are loved. hold them tight. i dont have much words rn, but dont take depression lightly. to jonghyun, thank you for all the smiles you have given me. i love you so much, and you are someone who wont remain as history only. you are beautiful. condolences to shinee, jonghyun’s family and friends. it must hurt even more.
dedicated to every person who’s ever loved me. it means the world. thank you.
failing doesn’t get easier even after seventeen years. falling still hurts like fuck, the way the gravel rips my skin raw open and the first gush of blood still nips angrily across my tingling skin and my leg is still as numb as the first time i fell. the pain is still as acute when i come out of the hall with the sinking feeling of i’m going to fail. i already knew i was going to fail but this didn’t make the blank paper and swimming words any better. failing is still lump in my throat that makes swallowing the news so damn difficult. every day is a struggle when instagram feeds and twitter timelines are filled with someone’s else success. i want to be happy for you but your brilliance is a reminder of everything i want to be but will never achieve. i want to be pulled up into honey warm hugs and have a shoulder to cry into and a chest to nuzzle and i want a hand to stroke my matted hair and lips to whisper it will be fine i still love yous into the shell of my ear but it doesn’t happen. i go home to a microwaved muffin and i jump into bed and pull the covers tight over myself even if it is only two fifty in the afternoon. when i come to at seven i am disoriented and the dark sky outside is starless. dead the way i am, not a spark of light within sight. i have my dinner (microwaved again because i don’t trust my trembling fingers to light the gas and i know that my kerosene tears would start to burn if i lit up the stove) and the house is eerily silent. i am left alone with my thoughts so i jump back to bed and scroll through my phone aimlessly. i see my little prince and my heart aches for the way he will always be happy without me.
ping ping ping
1 whatsapp message
1 instagram dm
i ignore the whatsapp message even if it is from s, because i feel like i cannot face her today. my fingers slip into my ig dm and the words that come next draw all the breath out of my throat: at least tuesday is over, right? that’s what you wanted! my heart is pounding sixty miles an hour. you remembered, i want to say, you remembered. the tears are welling up and my heart suddenly feels better.
2 whatsapp messages
3 whatsapp messages
4,5,6 whatsapp messages
i slide open the text from a. it says i found something, venus and i am too tired to say much so i type a ?. the reply that comes is swift: a picture of finger heart with my name on it and i am going crazy because i find it oddly endearing. i laugh.
i open up s’s text and i read it and i cry because it’s been six months since i’ve felt anything. and i cry and cry and cry and cry and
i’m still crying today because
i’ve been found.
not poetry not prose just word vomit. it’s been what, half an hour and this track already means the world to me. at first i thought that this was going to be inspiration porn 101 you are great and good and loved so don’t be depressed! because when has depression ever meant anything except Easy Mental Health Topic Everyone Talks About But Doesn’t Actually Understand or diversity quota to act like we care for the mentally ill even when we make fucking ableist jokes every day. but i digress. i have been crying at my laptop screen for half an hour because this is something. idk. it’s almost two in the afternoon but i am tired and speechless. give it a listen. oh, and don’t forget the tissues.
My ancestors were immigrants.
I am here today only because my great grandparents sailed across the great Asian continent. Caught in the storm of the civil war, they left China for a better life. I never met my great grandparents but i know that they are the bravest people to have walked this earth. To risk your life for a fresh start and weather the perilous journey to Singapore takes a fucking lot of courage.
Immigrants are as human as you are. All we ever wanted was somewhere to call home. Is that really too much to ask for?
Today Donald Trump announced that he is ending the DACA. This vicious and conscious decision to rip apart the lives of #Dreamers is an act of systematic racism. But the fight to #DefendDACA is not over. There are so many things to be done.
Dreamers are a vital force in the American economy but their value is beyond just being workers. They are humans the way you and I are. We fight for the Dreamers not solely to save the American economy. We fight for them because we are humans and because the decision to end DACA is an act of child abuse. If you care about the lives of these young immigrants, here is what you can do to help.
- Text Resist to 50409. If you’re not American, all you need in a Facebook account to text Resistbot on Messenger.
- Sign the petition to Resist over here.
- Tweet the AGs who are pressuring the government to end DACA. info is here. alternatively, see this template of things to tweet.
- Make a service call to you senators. see more here.
- Fund the DACA support here. You can also donate to Resistbot.
- Educate yourself. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- Keep fighting. Tweet #DefendDACA. it doesn’t hurt.
These are 800 000 lives at stake. Please, if you are human, then fight for the Dreamers. They deserve to keep their legal status in the only place they know best. Home.
As a descendant of immigrants, I am begging all of you to help us in this fight. So much of the world has been made possible by immigrants. We are here to help and not to harm. All we ever wanted was somewhere to call home.
Is that really too much to ask for?
of all the things i have lost i miss my fucking sanity the most.
this fever is lawless the way it siezes my brain hostage, shoving degree celsius after degree celsius at me and i am screaming screaming screaming limbs too weak to flail and the words that fall out of my parched lips are tearful prayers to gods i do not believe in. this is what desperation tastes like: the way my sweat ransom is not enough to set me fucking free, the way my body crumples and falls to ground when the cool water i used to frolick in bites against my skin, no longer gentle kisses running away the magma mount in my head. desperation is the way i wear my thickest jacket in singapore’s fucking weather ot the way i force myself to sweat till i am blind or the way i force myself to cry. women earn 79 cents to every dollar a man earns, my vision is barbercue hazed while my stomach sloshes, a sick sound that threatens to let itself be heard and i wish i was dead. they say everyone is afraid of death and i want to laugh because i crave death the way you crave life.
why dont you kill yourself then? they whisper and i am buzzed.
i fear pain. i would rather be dead than writhing in bed, ghostly images telling me that have me thrashing in bed like the wild animal i am.